Bluebeard

Unsure what else to do, I reached up and drew the key out of the ignition. “I’m going to be late for work.” I thought to myself. I considered fishing out my phone and sending my supervisor a quick email indicating my tardiness, but instead I just stayed motionless, drinking in the calming silence and letting myself lightly sample from all the emotions that were streaming through me. It was actually pretty peaceful and I knew it didn’t have any right to be.

After what seemed to me to be a very long time, I released the steering wheel, undid my seatbelt, and fell with a solid WHUMP! Scrambling to get upright, I reached over to the passenger door and tried the handle only to find it wouldn’t budge. Not one to panic even for a moment, I casually rolled myself to the rear of the vehicle thinking it highly likely that I could get the hatch open with no problem whatsoever. After confirming that there is no opening mechanism for the hatch on the inside of the vehicle, I sat down and resigned myself to some much-needed “me” time.

I was just about to waddle back to give the passenger door another attempt when I began to hear voices. “Hey, is anybody in there?” came a hoarse inquiry from outside. “Yes! I am in here and I am OK!” With no further provocation, a steel-toed work boot came crashing through the passenger-side window followed shortly by a dirty knit-cap containing a thickly whiskered head. “You all right?!” the head asked. “I am, yes.”

I crawled out the window, cutting my hands a little on the shards of glass. Standing to my full height, I assessed the situation and determined it to be sub-optimal. My vehicle of less than two years was certainly totaled. The “Mr. Sudden Stops Rubber Necky Mumber Jumber Man” was long gone. My New Year’s resolution of not destroying anything worth more than $50 was already busted. One of my rescuers put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Wow, man. Sorry. That sucks.” I sighed and my shoulders slumped. “Oh, it’s OK.” I said heavily. “I needed an oil change anyway.”

-Ryan