I Kissed Cardio Goodbye

I like my weddings the same way I like my Obsidian Dark Roast Blend Caribou Coffee: by the bucketful. That being the case, I've really been treated to some quality matrimonial java here as of late.

In all actuality, I don't really care for weddings on account of I am diametrically opposed to marriage. Because you have to clean your house up when you host the bachelor party... So anyway, there were two weddings last Saturday (I only made it to one of them) and then there was Father's Day, and then on Wednesday, there was another wedding. Both of the weddings that I attended were of the outdoor variety, by the way, which made them even larger burdens if you can imagine that.

Let me complain about them in the order of their appearance. The first wedding was cast to be one of the most peculiarly wacky atmospheres into which I've ever been dropped. Despite the deck being stacked against me, just about everything cooperated to make it a palpably enjoyable time. The weather wasn't nearly as oppressive as it could have been and most of the people about whom I was straight up tripping had the decency to give me a smile and a handshake and leave me the heck alone. I knew about seventy percent of the people there, which was nice up until I felt like decimating the dance floor only to find myself crippled with self-consciousness.

Sunday was Father's Day and it was also the bachelor party for wedding number two. We all got to go to a pretty nice steakhouse whose ambiance was pleasantly cultivated by the Iron & Wine and DeathCab tunes that floated over the airwaves. The father of groom picked up the tab, bless his heart, which was easily a $250 gesture, when you consider the cost per plate and the number of appetites represented at the table. Then it was all back to my house where the shindig was wrapped up much like the bachelor party out in California last year; with prayer, words of affirmation, and a traditional whiskey toast. Mmmm.... whiskey toast... Best part of waking up.

Wednesday comes, and there I am running around like a stigmatic monkey with butt-full of glycogen. I can sometimes be a little bit of a time optimist (e.g. I estimate that it will take five minutes to do something that will clearly take twenty) and that certainly didn't serve me well in this instance. I'll spare you all the things that went wrong and just leave it that about fifteen minutes after our intended time of departure my carload is careening towards our destination and I'm not wearing any shoes and I haven't showered. Not having showered turned out to not really be that big of a deal, because like I said, it was outdoors AT THE EXACT SAME LOCATION AS WEDDING NUMBER ONE!!! Geeze. I'm so sick of that place I hope I never go back. Anyways it was (real) hot.

This ceremony may take the cake as having been just about the most distinctive that I've ever witnessed. The couple had (mercifully) opted to go with a more earthy, casual motif to go along with the outdoorsiness. Nobody was suit-coated, the only tie that I saw was around the neck of the groom, and nobody in the wedding party was wearing shoes, which of course made my own footwear omission seem less glaring. The bride wore her hair in such a way that, coupled with the veil, I found it to be evocative of a crown. That, along with her bright yellow flowers and bare feet, seemed to make her look like an empresarial personification of springtime. When she and her groom got to their blocking in front of the 6'7'' officiant, they looked like two young kids getting married up there. Which of course they were. It made the picture even more of an already compelling spectacle. If I had use one word to describe the whole shindig I'd go with "genuine."

The food was real good at this one. Granted, that didn't make up for me smelling like wet bag of Frito's, but it's something.

So I've begun a new fitness regime of sorts. As a result, my arms and calves hurt to move despite my not having worked out in three days. And I've also given up cardio. That wasn't an easy decision. So now it's a waiting game between my anti-cardio willpower and my heart stopping. Place your bets now.

-Ryan